Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
