Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
