I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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