Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
