I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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