drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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