Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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