omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
He told me they were just razor bumps!
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
