***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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