My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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