Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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