Princesses don't give blow jobs
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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