So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
