you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
