i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
