i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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