I could have mohawked her pubes.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize