Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Randomize
