found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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