Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize