walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
