She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
