Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
