TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize