if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
