theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
