I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
