just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
