I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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