apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
