I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
