Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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