So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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