I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
