sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
