all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
