We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
