I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Randomize