when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
