I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
