I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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