Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
