I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
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