You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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