she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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