there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
