How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
