Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
