I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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