I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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