I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize