His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
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