there's paper in my vomit.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Randomize
