just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
