I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
