I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
